Unwashable
by Qille
Summary: "Unwashable, unrinsable." Where did that line come from? This is the story of the first AND LAST time the smugglers tried to give Nigel a bath. Enjoy! Sorry it's so short.


_A/N: This story was spawned from Nigel's song and caffeine. It's about the first, and last, time the smugglers tried to give Nigel a bath. I don't know how to properly bathe a bird, and neither do they. This oughtta be fun! Oh, and this takes place before the movie._

**Unwashable**

What started as a normal day of smuggling and breaking the law quickly turned into a struggle for survival. And it all started with an ambush.

"Go get 'em, Nigel," said Marcel, handing Nigel a large net. Nigel clasped the weighted net in his talons and flew up into a tree, waiting patiently for the flock of what looked to be parakeets. However, as the flock got closer, Nigel saw that it was a large group of cardinals.

Shrugging off his confusion, Nigel leaped into the air with the net. Some of the birds screamed, but they were all trapped under the net.

The net crashed to the ground, and Nigel stood next to it, waiting for Marcel and the others to come. But that was when it all went wrong for him.

Nigel glanced at the birds trapped under the net, but what he saw made him do a double-take. Most of the birds were so small that they had already escaped through holes in the net. As the net emptied, Nigel stood there, shocked. He was still kinda new at smuggling, so he wasn't quite as feared yet.

"Hey! Get back here!" he shouted. He jumped into the air and took off after the flock. The next thing he knew, he was surrounded by a wall of red and gray (and one yellow) birds.

"Gah!" shouted Nigel, trying to keep the birds away. They were pulling at his feathers and bumping him around in the air. Trying to keep them away, Nigel whipped out his talons and took a swipe at a group of birds in front of him. His talons didn't hit anything, but he almost cut the yellow bird in half.

"Retreat!" yelled one of the birds. The flock shot up into the sky.

Nigel flew back down to the ground and stood next to the net, glaring up at the flock of birds that evaded his grasp.

Suddenly, something hit the ground right next to him. He looked at it and recognized it instantly. Bird poop.

Growling, Nigel looked up, only to see a whole rain of bird poop coming down on him. "Aw crap."

**xxx**

Nigel was forced to sit on plastic bags the whole time. Marcel wouldn't even let him fly for fear of spraying the offensive rain all over the place.

"Eww, he stinks!" exclaimed Tipa, plugging his nose.

"Well that happens when you cover a bird in bird poop," said Armando, smacking Tipa on the back of the head.

"Yeah," muttered Marcel. He walked towards the door. "I've got something to take care of." As he walked out the door, he turned around. "Oh, and both of you give Nigel a bath." With that, he slammed the door shut.

Tipa and Armando looked at each other, and then at Nigel. Nigel glared at them for a minute, and then hissed, all of his feathers standing up.

Tipa and Armando ran into the other room and closed the door. They came back a few minutes later wearing helmets (with face guards) and really long handlers gloves that went up to their armpits. Armando was carrying a tub of water. He set it down on the table next to Nigel. Nigel just glared.

They just stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do.

Armando leaned over to Tipa. "Do you know how to wash a bird?"

"No. Do you?"

"No."

"Well, this is going to be fun," muttered Nigel sarcastically.

"Okay, we should grab him," whispered Tipa.

"In your dreams," said Nigel.

Tipa and Armando lunged at Nigel, but Nigel jumped up into the air and flew up to the rafters, spraying bird poo all over the place.

"Nigel, come down," coaxed Tipa. Nigel just sat there.

"Where's a ladder when you need one?" muttered Armando, looking around.

"Hey, there's a big stick over there!" said Tipa, pointing to the stick they used to get rid of the rats.

"Don't you dare!" exclaimed Nigel.

Too late. Tipa and Armando grabbed the big stick and jabbed Nigel with it. Nigel fell backwards and, not having time to catch himself, fell right into the tub of bubbly water.

Squawking and freaking out, Nigel lunged for the edge of the tub, but Armando held him down, and Tipa grabbed a brush. Nigel continued to try and escape.

Tipa managed to get most of the bird poo off of his wings and back, but when he went for Nigel's head, Nigel completely lost it.

Nigel bit down on Armando's glove and ripped the glove thumb clean off, leaving Armando's fingers exposed. Armando yanked his hand back for fear of having his fingers bitten off, and that was when Nigel made his move.

Nigel charged at Tipa and grabbed the brush from his hand. He then chased Tipa around the room with the brush, beating it against his helmet. Armando made a grab for Nigel, but Nigel swung around and the brush connected with Armando's helmet, knocking it right off.

Tipa turned around to realize that Nigel wasn't chasing him, but he wasn't looking where he was going and ran smack into the wall, knocking his helmet off and tipping him over.

Meanwhile, Armando found his helmet and put it on... backwards. He turned it around the right way only to find Nigel, his talons latched onto the face mask.

"Die!" shouted Nigel, but to Armando, it just sounded like a hiss.

"AAHHH!" shouted Armando, stumbling around with an angry cockatoo latched onto his face mask. At this point, Tipa regained his footing and grabbed the big stick.

"Hold still!" he yelled to Armando.

"AAHHH!"

Tipa swung the big stick at Nigel, but Nigel saw him and flew into the air. The big stick connected with Armando's helmet.

Armando stumbled backwards and tripped over the table, falling into the tub of water.

"Sorry," said Tipa. He looked up at Nigel on the ceiling. He had the brush up there too. "Now Nigel, come back down! You still have poo on your head!"

Nigel hissed at them again.

"Don't be like that!" coaxed Tipa. He poked Nigel with the stick again.

Nigel wrapped his talons around the stick and shoved it forward, nailing Tipa in the gut. He fell over backwards and landed right on Armando, who was still trying to get water out of his ear. They both went down hard, bringing the tub of water down on top of them.

"Losers," muttered Nigel. He picked up the brush and flew down to the table, standing in front of a mirror. Using the brush, he calmly got the rest of the bird poo off of his head. He then shook off and puffed up his clean feathers.

Turning around, he saw Armando and Tipa struggling to stand on the slippery floor.

Nigel sighed. "When will these two idiots learn?" He then picked up the brush again and flew over the two struggling smugglers. In one swoop, he hit Armando, and then Tipa right on the head with the poo covered brush. They both fell again.

Nigel dropped the brush in front of them and flew back to the table.

Right at that moment, Marcel walked back through the door. He looked at Armando and Tipa on the floor, soaking wet and covered in feathers and bird poo, and then at Nigel, who was sitting on the table all nice and clean. He held out his arm and Nigel flew over to him, perched on his shoulder.

"Good job," said Marcel, looking at Tipa and Armando. "I'll have you give Nigel a bath more often."

Both smugglers started to complain, but Marcel cut them off. "Clean up this mess," he said, looking around the room, which was covered in water and bird poo.

With that, he turned and walked out the door. As the door closed, Nigel, who was still on Marcel's shoulder, stuck his tongue out at Armando and Tipa.

The door closed and the two smugglers just groaned.

**The End**

_A/N: I was super high on caffeine when this was written, and the whole time I was writing it, I was laughing like a monkey. Sorry if it's short. I can't really think of anything else to put in there. Go away Nigel, I wrote you the one-shot you asked for! Leave me alone now! Sorry, Nigel has been bugging me all day to write this for him. Haha!_

_You know the drill, R&R. The sequel to Bottled Up is coming soon. =D_


End file.
